These Things I Have Decided

These may or may not be true. Regardless, I have decided them.

• Jamie Lynn Spears is the anti-Juno. After Juno came out, something had to be done to remind us that teen pregnancy is still bad. (On a side note, conservative Christians argue that this child's life will not be ruined at birth, but that it was ruined from the moment it was conceived)
• Shaq is the NBA's family heirloom. No team actually wants him, but they'll feel too guilty if they just throw him out.
• Ted Kennedy and Brian Dennehy are the same person. Ted Kennedy's alter-ego Brian Dennehy was supposed to fight crime, but was misled at an early age, and is now an overweight character actor best known for playing Chris Farley's dad in a movie about brake pads.
• Wal-Marts must now contain everything ever. Last week I read that Wal-Mart will now start putting clinics in its stores. Doctors' clinics. Okay, I don't want my doctor shopping at Wal-Mart, much less working there. Is this 2008 or 1984? I can only assume the next step will come next year, when Wal-Mart introduces its line of Victory Gin. The following year, it will announce the construction of a store the size of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. What it won't announce is that the store will actually be constructed on top of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Everyone in Tuscaloosa will live, work, eat, sleep, drink and cry in the Wal-Mart. And so the trend will continue across the world. (We are at war with Costco. We have always been at war with Costco.)